14 Years

I can't believe in two more days it will be 14 years since you killed yoursef at my house.

You have been gone longer than we were even friends.

Our 10 year friendship seemed like it was forever long yet 14 years have just slipped away.

So much has happened since you left. 

Mikey died. He lived to be 18 years old. 

I remember all the times you accidently let him outside and how you wouldnt come back in until you found him. I can hear you saying "Damn cat". 

Seeing him go has been devastating for me  it as been a year since he died but Im still going through it. 

I hope you are ok wherever you are and I hope you dont regret your decision. Something tells me you do regret it though and that makes me sad. 

I dont think about you as much as I once did, time has dulled the ache I carried for so many years. Every once in a while though, when I look back, I feel that familiar sting, the jab in my gut that reminds of that August morning. 

Whatever you were trying to accomplish by killing yourself at my house and leaving the note that said I was a reason...you probably accomplished for a while.

But just so you know,  I don't blame myself for your suicide anymore, I don't care what your stupid note says. 

Yes, it was stupid. 

I dont even know what you were thinking with all of that but I know it wasnt about your love for me because love wouldn't do that. 

That note came from a place of hate and that's what I didnt get for the longest time. 

I get it now though.

I know I could have been a better friend to you and it hurt for so long knowing I hadn't been a better friend. 

But like you said so many times to me, you didn't want me to be your friend, you wanted me to be your girlfriend again.

So you see, it didnt matter what kind of friend I wasn't, I was never going to be anymore than that so this one's on you. 

I dont feel guilty and I'm not mad at you either. I love you and try to remember how you lived instead of how you died. 

You were a good friend for a lot of years and we had so many good times and I have so many good memories. 

I wont allow you to take that from me. 

I love you Patrick.

Love, Me