Sleepy Suicide

It's difficult to believe that it has been 6 years...so much has happened since you left yet I feel as if time has been standing still..
I always smile and try to stay optimistic but at times I feel like I am deceiving myself.
It has been a while since the last time I broke down, I remember how much better I felt afterwards yet I do everything humanly possible to prevent myself from breaking down again. I am not sure why.
I know how toxic it is to allow the pain to reside too long, I know what it can do...still I fight back those tears.
I guess I feel I should be much further along in this process than I am.

I  avoided writing about you this year on the anniversary of that day that you left... August 9th...
I wrote a little last night though and made it through it ok but today is not so strong, I feel sleepy.

I know you are here right now, I can feel you around me. I know you are sorry, I know you never thought it would go this way. You figured I was strong and would be fine. You didn't know this would wreck me

I can hear you saying "Everything will work out ...because everyone loves Jennifer" Those words crush me sometimes.

You know me better than anyone knows me.

I know you are sorry and I'm sorry too.

I'm sorry that you didn't know what this would do