Sleepy Suicide

It's difficult to believe that it has been 6 years...so much has happened since you left yet I feel as if time has been standing still..
I always smile and try to stay optimistic but at times I feel like I am deceiving myself.
It has been a while since the last time I broke down, I remember how much better I felt afterwards yet I do everything humanly possible to prevent myself from breaking down again. I am not sure why.
I know how toxic it is to allow the pain to reside too long, I know what it can do...still I fight back those tears.
I guess I feel I should be much further along in this process than I am.

I  avoided writing about you this year on the anniversary of that day that you left... August 9th...
I wrote a little last night though and made it through it ok but today is not so strong, I feel sleepy.

I know you are here right now, I can feel you around me. I know you are sorry, I know you never thought it would go this way. You figured I was strong and would be fine. You didn't know this would wreck me

I can hear you saying "Everything will work out ...because everyone loves Jennifer" Those words crush me sometimes.

You know me better than anyone knows me.

I know you are sorry and I'm sorry too.

I'm sorry that you didn't know what this would do

You are still here with me....

I miss you Patrick, the pain doesn't seem to want to go away. But I know that today, I am a better me than the me I was yesterday, because of you.
Your death has taught me things I never realized I needed to learn. The way that I look at those around me now is different than before you died. I see how temporary this place really is. Taking the time to love the people in our lives is the most important thing. Telling people how we feel is always right. I never knew this stuff before because I always took everything for granted.
Until I saw your life leave mine, I never thought you would go. I assumed too much by thinking that you would always be here tomorrow. I live with that now and sometimes it's not so easy to live with. It hurts a lot because there were so many things I needed to say to you, that I will never get to say, or you will never get to hear.
The lesson though is that it won't happen again with anyone and maybe that is what you wanted me to learn. I wish I could go back and be the friend that I should have been to you but I can't go back and I'm sorry for that.

This song reminds me of you....

Happy Birthday Patrick

I miss you... I wish you were here. I do try to believe that you are still here, around me in some way. I hope you can hear me when I talk to you, I do that a lot. I can sometimes hear you talking to me too as crazy as that may sound, usually you are talking shit. :)
Well...I love you, I put some flowers in the spot where you chose to die, as I always do. These ones are not so girly though, it's tough trying to find manly flowers, let me just say that.:)

Happy Birthday