14 Years

I can't believe in two more days it will be 14 years since you killed yoursef at my house.

You have been gone longer than we were even friends.

Our 10 year friendship seemed like it was forever long yet 14 years have just slipped away.

So much has happened since you left. 

Mikey died. He lived to be 18 years old. 

I remember all the times you accidently let him outside and how you wouldnt come back in until you found him. I can hear you saying "Damn cat". 

Seeing him go has been devastating for me  it as been a year since he died but Im still going through it. 

I hope you are ok wherever you are and I hope you dont regret your decision. Something tells me you do regret it though and that makes me sad. 

I dont think about you as much as I once did, time has dulled the ache I carried for so many years. Every once in a while though, when I look back, I feel that familiar sting, the jab in my gut that reminds of that August morning. 

Whatever you were trying to accomplish by killing yourself at my house and leaving the note that said I was a reason...you probably accomplished for a while.

But just so you know,  I don't blame myself for your suicide anymore, I don't care what your stupid note says. 

Yes, it was stupid. 

I dont even know what you were thinking with all of that but I know it wasnt about your love for me because love wouldn't do that. 

That note came from a place of hate and that's what I didnt get for the longest time. 

I get it now though.

I know I could have been a better friend to you and it hurt for so long knowing I hadn't been a better friend. 

But like you said so many times to me, you didn't want me to be your friend, you wanted me to be your girlfriend again.

So you see, it didnt matter what kind of friend I wasn't, I was never going to be anymore than that so this one's on you. 

I dont feel guilty and I'm not mad at you either. I love you and try to remember how you lived instead of how you died. 

You were a good friend for a lot of years and we had so many good times and I have so many good memories. 

I wont allow you to take that from me. 

I love you Patrick.

Love, Me

Just because you don't talk about his Suicide , Doesn't mean it didn't happen

Death is difficult for those of us that are still alive but I think we usually comfort one another when we discuss the loss among family and friends. We work through the pain and are able to cope so much better.
Unless of course the death is caused by Suicide...then we just don't talk about it at all.
I have had countless conversations about my Dad's death, My Grandparents deaths, and the death of Friends that have been lost.
I can count on one hand how many conversations I have had about Patrick's Suicide
It is a sad reality that we live in a world where Suicide is a tabu subject. No one wants to talk about it or hear about it and so the survivors of Suicide (those left behind) must suffer through this most horrible traumatic experience basically isolated from any understanding at all. It is sad and it gets really lonely.
No one ever brings Patrick's name up, I guess they figure by not mentioning him they will spare me unnecessary pain but don't you understand how much it hurts that you all have forgotten him?
That is how it feels because the way he died has caused you all to not even want to talk about the way he lived, it's so unfair.
Pretending that he did not exist will never make this go away and no amount of time will ever make me forget him even if no one ever mentions his name ever again. No amount of silence about that day will erase it from my memory, trust me, it has embedded itself within my soul.

What would Help me?

Just say his name once in a while, I won't fall apart I promise. I need to know that you remember him too because I loved him so much, he was my best friend.

Sleepy Suicide

It's difficult to believe that it has been 6 years...so much has happened since you left yet I feel as if time has been standing still..
I always smile and try to stay optimistic but at times I feel like I am deceiving myself.
It has been a while since the last time I broke down, I remember how much better I felt afterwards yet I do everything humanly possible to prevent myself from breaking down again. I am not sure why.
I know how toxic it is to allow the pain to reside too long, I know what it can do...still I fight back those tears.
I guess I feel I should be much further along in this process than I am.

I  avoided writing about you this year on the anniversary of that day that you left... August 9th...
I wrote a little last night though and made it through it ok but today is not so strong, I feel sleepy.

I know you are here right now, I can feel you around me. I know you are sorry, I know you never thought it would go this way. You figured I was strong and would be fine. You didn't know this would wreck me

I can hear you saying "Everything will work out ...because everyone loves Jennifer" Those words crush me sometimes.

You know me better than anyone knows me.

I know you are sorry and I'm sorry too.

I'm sorry that you didn't know what this would do

I need your help

Patrick,  I know someone who is suffering the way that you suffered and I am scared for her. Please help me help her. Please.

You are still here with me....

I miss you Patrick, the pain doesn't seem to want to go away. But I know that today, I am a better me than the me I was yesterday, because of you.
Your death has taught me things I never realized I needed to learn. The way that I look at those around me now is different than before you died. I see how temporary this place really is. Taking the time to love the people in our lives is the most important thing. Telling people how we feel is always right. I never knew this stuff before because I always took everything for granted.
Until I saw your life leave mine, I never thought you would go. I assumed too much by thinking that you would always be here tomorrow. I live with that now and sometimes it's not so easy to live with. It hurts a lot because there were so many things I needed to say to you, that I will never get to say, or you will never get to hear.
The lesson though is that it won't happen again with anyone and maybe that is what you wanted me to learn. I wish I could go back and be the friend that I should have been to you but I can't go back and I'm sorry for that.

This song reminds me of you....

Suicide is No Solution

I wrote this Article at Deviantart on Sep 16, 2008, a month after Patrick took his own life. 

The original article is located here.



As human beings, we are drawn to those of who we share similar experiences with. Browsing deviantART lately I have noticed how many young people we have here and along with this I have discovered by reading Journals that many of the younger ones here suffer from Depression and many more speak of death and dying by suicide as if it were some solution, I want you to know that it really is not.
I want to bring to attention some facts that I learned too late in hopes that if you or someone you care for is in danger you will seek help because you or your loved one CAN be helped.
 
  Studies show that DEPRESSION alone carries it's own risk factors for suicide but add to this ANXIETY and/or PANIC DISORDER and the risk rises dramatically. 

Follow these links for more information on Depression, Anxiety and Panic Disorder.

Relationship between Depression and Anxiety

Anxiety Disorders - Complications

Panic disorder


If you are depressed you need to be aware of these additional disorders, read about it, know about it and know that you can get help, this can be treated just like anything else, Suicide is not the solution, though it may seem like the only way, it is not, doctors can make the pain go away but you have to take that first step, ask for help.

I just lost one of the best friends I have ever had on August 9, 2008, he took his own life and he did it at my house.  One week prior, he had told me that he was suffering from Anxiety and he was having Panic Attacks, he said he could feel his own heart beating in his chest and he was scared. I told him to come up to my house and stay here for a little while, not realizing the seriousness of what he had just told me because Patrick had been suffering from Depression for a while. I found out too late that I should have called 911 that night instead of inviting him up to my house but I didn't know but I know now and this is why I am sharing this with you, in hopes that if you are ever in a similar situation, you will recognize the signs.

To those who suffer and think that suicide will end the pain, I have a message for you.....

Your pain is real but Suicide is not the answer, instead all you will create are more questions. If there is just one person in your life that you love, that you even like, think of them because if you kill yourself they will spend the rest of their lives wondering what it was they could have done different.

I will never forget the morning Patrick was found dead outside my home, the sound of my neighbors voice echoing up the stairway to my room, alerting me that Patrick had a vacuum hose running from the exhaust pipe to the window of his Jeep or the look on his face when he had to tell me that my friend was gone. For the rest of my life I will remember the trip to the coroners office to pick up Patrick's belongings that were in his vehicle at his time of death, the smell of exhaust that still lingered on his things, the 2 inches of water that filled containers that were in his vehicle, the water being from the condensation inside the car, the description from my neighbor who opened the door of Patrick's car that morning and turned off the engine, he speaks of the drops of water falling from above Patrick, and how the entire interior of the vehicle was saturated. These things will forever be inside my head and the pain will be with me forever because there is no way to stop it because I cannot bring Patrick back no matter how I wish for that to happen.
You on the other hand have the power to stop your pain and prevent any others you love from suffering pain as well, get help, call someone, anyone, don't allow this to beat you and to take the people you love hostage because that is what will happen. If you believe no one cares then you are wrong, so wrong, even if you have no family, there are people who care, who want you to stay alive, you matter, you were born and you were meant to live.
I have listed some resources here for anyone suffering or for anyone you know who may be suffering, don't wait, please don't wait because once it's too late....it really is too late.


Need Help Now?
Call 911
or
1-800-SUICIDE
(1-800-784-2433)
or
1-800-273-TALK
(1-800-273-8255)
or
Text Telephone:
1-800-799-4TTY
(1-800-799-4889

If you are thinking about suicide...read this first www.metanoia.org/suicide

A matter of life or death...[link]

Suicide Hotline:  1-800-273 Talk or 1-800-273-8255

The line is staffed 24 hours a day.

Each year, more than 30,000 Americans take their own lives. Suicide is the third leading cause of death among children, teens and young adults ages 10 to 24. In the United States, about 4,000 young people die by suicide each year.
More than 90 percent of people who kill themselves have a diagnosable mental disorder, commonly a depressive disorder or a substance abuse disorder and in most cases, the disorders are treatable.

There are often signs that someone may be thinking about or planning a suicide attempt. Here are some of them:

* talking about suicide or death in general
* talking about "going away"
* referring to things they "won't be needing," and giving away      possessions
* talking about feeling hopeless or feeling guilty
* pulling away from friends or family and losing the desire to go out
* having no desire to take part in favorite things or activities
* Having trouble concentrating or thinking clearly
* experiencing changes in eating or sleeping habits
* engaging in self-destructive behavior (drinking alcohol, taking drugs, or cutting, for example)





In memory of...
Patrick Brian Williams
June 12, 1965 - August 9, 2008

3 Years my friend

Sometimes, it's all too much to handle...most days are a battle with my own thoughts, I don't want to think about it anymore but I have no choice.
I really can't believe it's been 3 years since that awful day...when I woke up and you were no longer here.

I wish you were here.

I know I should be further along in dealing with this than I am...sometimes I feel ill, everything just hurts, nothing is the same nor will it ever be again.

People don't understand, it's like they think I should just move forward, put it behind me, let it go.

I can't do that.

I miss you, your friendship kept me on my toes always, you kept me grounded, you made my life real.

Seeing myself through your eyes wasn't always pleasant but it was honest, I treasured that, I still do.

I really hope the day will come that we will meet again, I have so much to say to you, things I should have said to you while you were here. I really hope that day will come.

Until then....